Poppleton not for profit - official

Rumours that Poppleton might follow in the steps of BPP and become a "for-profit" university have been vigorously dispelled by our vice-chancellor.

In a strongly worded statement unanimously described by all our leading managers as "groundbreaking", the vice-chancellor emphasised the incompatibility of a "for-profit" model with the traditional commitment of universities to the enhancement of liberal values and free enquiry.

During his term of office, Poppleton had displayed its commitment to these principles by its readiness to promote popular degrees of questionable academic validity, its ruthless pursuit of cash-rich overseas students, its wholesale readiness to disregard teaching quality in favour of the financial rewards to be gained from piling up research articles and its relentless employment of an ever-expanding army of fat-cat managers.

In these circumstances, any decision to "bow to the crass exigencies of crude market forces in the manner of BPP could only be described as an unforgivable volte-face" (Mrs Dilworth, please check spelling).

A message from our ecumenical chaplain

Hello everybody of all faiths (and indeed none).

We all recognise that the forthcoming visit to our shores of the Supreme Pontiff (the Pope) arouses strong feelings among many of those who attend (or choose not to attend) our regular ecumenical services. It is, therefore, more important than ever that all of us of good faith (and those with none) display a spirit of tolerance in the days to come and avoid any gestures that may be construed as provocative.

It is for this reason that I must wholly condemn those who sought to make their distinctive views on the papal visit evident by hanging contraceptive sheaths from the branches of the ecumenical candle stand.

God go with you (assuming you wish to be so accompanied).

Just a little more time

Professor Liam Chalk, the Head of our Advanced Learning and Teaching Hub (formerly the Education Department), "echoed" the sentiments recently expressed by Louise Morley, the director of the University of Sussex Centre for Higher Education and Equity Research.

In her lecture to the British Educational Research Association's annual conference, Professor Morley described the present university as "hypermodernised, diversified, liquefied, globalised, edgeless, marketised and technologised", and argued that academics needed to "discover new conceptual grammars" and "disrupt social class and gender privilege by interrogating and accounting for their absences".

Professor Chalk told The Poppletonian that he had chosen to "echo" Professor Morley's sentiments rather than endorse them as he was still struggling to comprehend their meaning.

Last rights

Louise Bimpson, Director of our ever-expanding Human Resources Department, has reacted angrily to the revelation in a Bera/Universities Council review that staff excluded from the 2008 research assessment exercise had been termed "research-dead" by managers. She described the phrase as "wholly inappropriate" and announced her own department's preference for "more sensitive alternatives" such as "passed over", "gone to a better place", "pushing up daisies", "six feet under" and "belly up".

Thought for the Week

(contributed by Jennifer Doubleday, Head of Personal Development)

We regret that Jennifer is currently on silent retreat and, therefore, cannot speak. She has, however, been kind enough to send all her regular readers a large "thumbs-up" sign.

lolsoc@dircon.co.uk.