Nobody likes us!

In an unusually frank press release, our Deputy Director of Logo Development, Roger Placement, has declared that our university is "not at all bothered" by the news that it has failed to gain one of the Quality Assurance Agency "quality" marks that became licensed for use by universities from the beginning of this month.

Mr Placement points out that the QAA quality mark (a big letter "Q" framed by the outline of a tasselled mortar board) seems to have been awarded to all but two universities in the country (Poppleton and Liverpool John Moores) and is therefore "hardly a mark of discrimination".

"Imagine", the statement continues, "a Preserves Quality Assurance Agency that awarded a quality mark to all but two types of jam. How would that help anyone to decide what to put in a sandwich? And there's another thing. Would anyone trust a quality mark for jam if they knew that the mark had been awarded not for the actual jam but for the successful completion by jam-makers of forms that testified to its quality?"

When questioned by our reporter Keith Ponting (30), Placement denied that his remarks could be construed as "sour grapes". "Even if we had been awarded the QAA mortar board sign of approval," he said, "I doubt if we could have found room for it in our official logo, which already includes a double knife and fork for the quality of our senior common room sandwiches, a golden fire extinguisher for our safety record and an appellation d'origine contrôlée for the contents of the vice-chancellor's hospitality cupboard."

Are you chair material?

We learn that our university will be pulling out all the stops in its endeavour to recruit students in this month's clearing window.

Nathan Prest, Head of Student Recruitment, earlier this week announced that Poppleton would be going "head to head" with the University of Salford, which is taking a red sofa on a tour around Manchester as a novel recruitment device.

The University of Salford's dynamic senior recruitment officer, Andrea Lingley, explained that the sofa acted "as a metaphor" for the university as "it's friendly, bright, comfortable and welcoming - much like the university itself".

Mr Prest, however, has unveiled what he calls Poppleton's "vigorous riposte" - a three-piece suite in golden brown uncut moquette with optional footstool, which will begin its tour of the Poppleton inner ring road next Thursday afternoon.

"This suite", said Mr Prest, "is the perfect metaphor for the University of Poppleton. The large, comfortable, well-padded and totally inert sofa and chairs perfectly represent our ever-expanding management team, while the low (optional) footstool admirably captures the significant role played by academics in our institution."

Thought for the week

(contributed by Jennifer Doubleday, Head of Personal Development)

Here's an amusing little reminder of how even the best-laid holiday plans can go astray. "Some day my boat will come in, and with my luck I'll be at the airport."

lolsoc@dircon.co.uk.