'God is dead' - theology professor

Speaking to our reporter Keith Ponting (30), he said that his rejection of the divine had been prompted by a new paper by Richard Lynn of the University of Ulster that demonstrated a strong correlation between high IQ and lack of religious belief.

"Frankly, I'd already been having a few doubts," Greenwich told Ponting. "You know, the usual stuff about the Garden of Eden and the three persons in the Trinity. But this research by Professor Lynn was the real clincher."

When asked if this newly found lack of belief in any way imperilled the work of the Department of Theology, Professor Greenwich insisted that it was a positive advantage. "One of the main tasks of a university", he pointed out, "is to challenge accepted ideas, and as most of our students arrive at Poppleton with the accepted idea that God exists, it's quite an achievement to have that knocked out of them by the time they graduate."

But were his views shared by others in the department? "More or less. Apart from our latest recruit, the Reverend Doctor Purvis, who has yet to find his feet, we're all very much coming round to the atheist side of things."

Professor Greenwich went on to reveal that the "big faith tent" that his department traditionally erected for Open Day would be replaced this year by a life-size cutout of Richard Dawkins.

POPPLETON EXCELS IN PLAGIARISM RATINGS

A new study of plagiarism in universities by the Higher Education Academy and the Joint Information Systems Committee reveals that the rate of plagiarism by students at Poppleton University is only slightly above the average for all higher education institutions. And Poppleton fares even better when the study compares the harshness of measures taken against offenders.

In common with other institutions, our university employed suspension, grade penalties and expulsion, but we were the only UK university to employ waterboarding as an investigative technique and to use extraordinary rendition as a "last-ditch" sanction for extreme misdemeanours. Jamie Targett, our thrusting Director of Corporate Affairs, described the findings as "gratifying".

SITUATIONS VACANT

Student expectations manager

Poppleton University's ongoing concern with managing student expectations has now created an administrative vacancy for a Student Expectations Manager.

The successful candidate for this position will have a proven record of lowering student expectations to a manageable level. They will also be able to demonstrate some specialist background experience in reducing hopes, modifying prospects and dampening enthusiasm.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

(contributed by Jennifer Doubleday, Head of Personal Development)

I must say that Professor Greenwich came to mind when I discovered this clever little gem:

Some say God is nowhere. Others say God is now here. One small space makes all the difference.