Zombie excellence: the age of ZEF?

In 2016, the UK thought that it had a world-class higher education sector, with systems in place such as the teaching excellence framework to ensure high-quality teaching. Finally, 28 years later, the TEF is no more. The crash of the post-Brexit UK economy has meant a repositioning of higher education, due, in no small part, to the virus Albionus perfidiosum, which has wiped out the majority of the population, including many sentient academics.

Today, many survivors in the sector have responded positively to this context by developing an undead workforce that colonises the remaining campuses, successfully recruiting many new-entrant zombie students. In recognition of such inanity, the government, via the Office for Zombies (OfZ), is proud to announce the introduction of a new higher education award for excellence.  

The ZEF (or to give its full title, the zombie excellence framework) is a scheme for recognising excellent mindlessness. It provides information for cognitively absent, post-viral students, helping them to choose an appropriately inane swarm.

The ZEF is voluntary, subject to level of sentience. Each swarm can decide whether or not it wishes to take part, providing that participating academics are fully infected by Albionus perfidiosum, which will be tested on application. Unfortunately, non-viral or asymptomatic swarms are not eligible to take part in the ZEF.

Level of ZEF award

Participating swarms will be eligible to receive a gore, sputum or blood award, reflecting the excellence of their mindlessness and subsequent impact upon student consumption. The award covers levels of obedience, avoidance of inappropriate cannibalism and effective swarm warfare.

The OfZ trialled the ZEF last year with selected swarms and lessons were learned for future years, with subsequent improvements put in place. For example, there will not be an awards dinner for gore winners this year as several successful zombie leaders were consumed at the previous event.

Award descriptors

Gore: Based on the evidence available, the ZEF panel will judge that a swarm gaining gore delivers consistently outstanding mindlessness, teaches inane obedience and provides exemplary swarm warfare placements for its zombie students. It demonstrates the highest-quality neoliberalism found in the UK.

Sputum: Based on the evidence available, the ZEF panel will judge that a swarm gaining a sputum award delivers high-quality mindlessness, teaches diligent obedience and provides effective swarm warfare placements for its zombie students. It consistently exceeds rigorous national quality requirements for neoliberalism found in the UK.

Blood: Based on the evidence available, the ZEF panel will judge that a swarm gaining a blood award delivers satisfactory mindlessness, teaches adequate obedience and provides acceptable swarm warfare placements for its zombie students. It meets rigorous national quality requirements for neoliberalism found in the UK.

ZEF metrics

Given that the ZEF is in the first full year of national roll-out, the government is committed to developing an array of suitable metrics. Swarms must have a minimum set of reportable metrics in order to apply for a ZEF assessment. This means having one year of reportable, benchmarked data for each of the six core metrics and should include:

• Foraging for flesh in my swarm
• Assessment of viral load and feedback
• Discriminatory practice
• Food chain continuation
• Zombie placement experience
• Higher-level zombie skills

The table below is provided to help zombie swarms articulate ZEF assessment criteria.

ZEF for participants

To reiterate, the ZEF is voluntary and each HE swarm decides whether or not it wishes to take part, subject to proven viral load status. Participating swarms receive a gore, sputum or blood award, reflecting the excellence of mindlessness levels and subsequent impact upon student consumption. Evidence from the initial ZEF pilot indicates that swarms winning gore awards consistently demonstrated the highest levels of discriminatory zombie conduct and leadership. 

Jolliest Vendettas was seconded to the Office for Zombies by the University of Neoliberalia.

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