Pork-pie man tipped for top QAA job

A flurry of excitement ran round our campus last week as the news emerged that Mr Ken Stribling, the CEO of Poppleton Pork Products, was in line for appointment as the new Chair of the QAA.

Mr Stribling has been strongly recommended for the position by our own vice-chancellor. "It would be an ideal appointment," he told our reporter, Keith Ponting (30). "The application details stress that it is 'essential' for the new incumbent 'not to be employed in the higher education sector' and to have a wide experience of 'regulatory systems'. Mr Stribling fits the bill on both counts. He knows little or nothing about higher education but has consistently produced pork pies and sausages of exactly the same size, quality and meat emulsion content for over three decades. Could anyone in a higher education institution say the same about their degrees?" (The closing date for applications is next Tuesday.)

'DON'T BLAME ME FOR CRASH' - POPPLETON DON

"Not Guilty." That was the robust response from Professor D. G. Cartel, Head of our Business and Management Department, to the accusation by Doctor Stefano Harney of Queen Mary, University of London, that business academics should take some blame for the present global financial crisis.

Professor Cartel admitted that the titles of some of his department's core courses - Cashing in on Derivatives, Naked Short Selling: Prospects and Opportunities, and Maximising Performance Fees in Hedge Fund Management - might suggest that he was promoting what Doctor Harney described as "the so-called culture of greed and bonuses". But there was no truth at all in the suggestion that the department's courses lacked any ethical content. "All our course handouts contain the printed warning that investments may go down as well as up."

POPPLETON IN PARK LANE

It was confirmed this week that members of our senior management team would be occupying six tables at the THE Awards Ceremony at Grosvenor House Hotel on 23 October.

Our Director of Corporate Affairs, Jamie Targett, stressed that it was vital for Poppleton to have a healthy presence at such a prestigious occasion despite the university's having failed to make the shortlist in any of the 18 categories.

"Not everyone can be a winner all the time," he told our reporter. "And a public demonstration that non-short-listed Poppleton people can eat as heartily and drink as heavily as administrators from other universities is an important indication of our commitment to widening participation."

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

(contributed by Jennifer Doubleday, Head of Personal Development)

I regret to say that the Anger Management course that my department is running this term is already oversubscribed. Sadly, this means that a large number of very angry people will have to wait until next term for a place. But here to help you through the wait are some calming words.

Think when you are enraged at anyone, what would probably become of your sentiments should he or she die during the dispute

(that certainly stopped me in my tracks over the weekend)