Vice-Chancellor Denies 'Jumping with Joy'

The campus was rocked this week by claims that our Vice-Chancellor behaved inappropriately following the recent dismissal of Doctor G.T. Flagg from the Department of Management Studies. These claims were based on a widely circulated mobile phone picture of the vice-chancellor repeatedly leaping "joyfully" in the air in the Administrative Block corridor after the interview that terminated Doctor Flagg's employment.

However, our Director of Corporate Affairs, Jamie Targett, dismissed the story as "false and malicious and untrue". He told our reporter, Keith Ponting (30), that the vice-chancellor's jumps were "not joyful" nor in any way connected with Doctor Flagg's departure. They were merely a component of his daily workout.

When asked how he explained the evidence that the vice-chancellor accompanied his jumps with cries of "Got the bugger at last", Targett drew our reporter's attention to the poor sound quality of the recording and insisted the v-c's remarks were part of a "private jumping conversation" and therefore "not intended for the public domain".

That Will Do Nicely!

Our Deputy Head of RAE Strategy, Brian Bryan, has reacted promptly to the news that the University of Leeds may reward academics who publish in top journals with up to 40 extra research days.

"We can easily beat that," he said. "We're considering offering academics an extra 150 research days for every top-rank publication. Based on an average workload, that means that anyone who publishes ten top-rank papers a year never needs to do a hand's turn of teaching or administration. What could be fairer?"

Bryan also announced that such top researchers would qualify for the university Platinum Card, which guarantees its holder regular sabbaticals, fast tracking in all cafeteria queues, valet service to and from campus, 5,000 conference "air miles" and membership of the "executive research lounge" on the fourth floor of the Administrative Block.

Bryan agreed that this scheme would hugely increase the teaching and administrative loads of staff who failed to publish in top journals but denied the rumour that such researchers would be identifiable on degree day by the addition of a broad arrow to their ceremonial robes.

Please Leave on Time!

Staff are reminded that lecture rooms should be vacated and cleared of all teaching aids at least five minutes before the designated end of lecture time.

Conformity to this rule should ensure that there will be no repetition of last week's unfortunate incident in which Doctor P.B. Geat of Medieval History was required to give his lecture on alliteration in Gawain and the Green Knight in a lecture room still containing the horse that had been used in the preceding session by the Department of Animal Husbandry.

Research Grant Success

Doctor P. W. Lickcheese of our Department of Social Policy has been awarded a grant of £150,000 by Bodgers Brewery for a three-year investigation into the beneficial effects of binge drinking. Doctor Lickcheese's previous research projects include a study of the positive contribution of landmines to contemporary warfare and an investigation into the supportive role of cream buns in a fat-free diet.

Thought for the Week

(contributed by Jennifer Doubleday, Head of Personal Development)

When you feel wonderful - notify your face! (This certainly brought a smile to mine).