Walls have ears shock

Source: Getty

Our vice-chancellor. Who ate all the pies?

Two of Poppleton’s senior academics were summarily sacked last week for leaking sensitive information about our university to the popular press.

Although both academics firmly denied the charge, there was incontrovertible evidence from someone or other who happened to be passing at the time that one of the academics in question probably used the following words during an external phone call: “overpaid”, “corpulent” and “bullying”.

No fair-minded person, claimed our Director of Corporate Affairs, Jamie Targett, could possibly believe that these terms were anything other than references to our esteemed vice-chancellor and that therefore the instant dismissal of the offenders without any sort of proper investigation or proper trial was the only appropriate response.

However, another member of our academic staff, who asked to remain anonymous, pointed out that the dismissed lecturers could hardly be accused of “leaking” information about our vice-chancellor when the news of his overpaid corpulent bullying character was not only already in the public domain but could readily be viewed in spray-painted form on the side of the stables that currently housed his thoroughbred horses.

A very special Easter message

Our ecumenical chaplain Georgina Spandrel writes:

Seasonal greetings to all those who subscribe to a religious faith, and to all those who (somewhat stubbornly) find themselves unable to believe in anything whatsoever.

This is, of course, a very special week for those of a Jewish or Buddhist or Christian persuasion. But all such believers are reminded that ostensible campus displays of religious symbolism are prohibited on the grounds that they may prove offensive to those of a different spiritual persuasion.

I am, however, pleased to confirm in response to a number of enquiries that this prohibition does not extend to images and portrayals of Easter bunnies or to the public consumption of Easter eggs, as both bunnies and eggs have only a tangential relationship to any known divine being.

Nor are there any prohibitions on the use of such relatively evaluative phrases as “Maundy Thursday” and “Holy Week”. However, after extensive consultation with a wide variety of faith groups, it was decided that the popular characterisation of this coming Friday might be viewed as “triumphalist”.

Would staff therefore please ensure that in all correspondence and related matters, the last day of this week is referred to not as Good Friday but as Fairly Good Friday.

I trust this clarifies the religious situation.

Thought for the week

(contributed by Jennifer Doubleday, Head of Personal Development)

Next week’s Mindfulness seminar will concentrate on the very real benefits that can be derived from mentally dismissing such past and future matters as your current lack of promotion, the next REF, the vice-chancellor’s annual salary and the relentless marketisation of higher education, and instead concentrating entirely upon the sensations of the immediate here and now. Apply for your place in the usual manner, marking your application “Ostrich”.

lolsoc@dircon.co.uk