Nuts in May?

Source: Getty

‘Neutralising the threat’

“I haven’t yet heard from Theresa May, but I’m confident that she will regard my proposal as a positive contribution.”

That was how Geraldine Transept, our Head of Overseas Recruitment, responded to critics of her radical new technique for reducing the threat posed by international students.

Ms Transept told our reporter Keith Ponting (30) that she had considerable sympathy with the view that this threat might be dealt with by issuing new international entrants with a 30-day visa that could be converted into a proper visa only after the student had collected a biometric identity document from the post office. She also much admired the idea of universities withdrawing sponsorship from any international student who fell short of 75 per cent attendance over six months.

But she believed that her own alternative idea of locking all such international students in a stainless-steel decompression chamber for the duration of their course had distinct advantages. Such a procedure not only dramatically reduced the risk of ideological contagion but also allowed for full tutorial interaction via a two-way communication system. And there was more. An ingenious double-locking aperture in the chamber permitted the occupant to make the regular large cash payments that have always been such an integral feature of Poppleton’s ongoing relationship with its international students.

Ms Transept briskly rejected Ponting’s suggestion that students who were subjected to such a regime might wish to enter a complaint at the end of their course. “Let’s face it,” she said, “if the excellent Theresa May has her policy implemented, they’ll no sooner have graduated than they’ll be on their way back home.”

Who did you say you were?

Jamie Targett, our Director of Corporate Affairs, wishes to remind all readers of The Poppletonian that next Thursday has been designated “Hierarchical Non Microaggression Day”.

This special day was prompted by a paper in the Journal of Diversity in Higher Education that listed the manner in which academic staff systematically demeaned university administrators by acts of “microaggression” such as repetitive verbal put-downs and a failure even to acknowledge their presence in hallways and other campus spaces.

On Hierarchical Non Micro-aggression Day, this patronising state of affairs will be addressed by asking all administrators to “blur or conceal” their true administrative identity by adopting a variety of essential academic characteristics. These include the selective wearing of academic gowns and hoods, the adoption of a slow shuffling gait, an evident inability to find the best route to the library, and a pronounced uncertainty about the exact time or the day of the week.

Targett described the suggestion that administrators might best blur their identity by routinely uttering obscenities about the size of the vice-chancellor’s emolument as “unnecessarily provocative”.

Thought for the week

(contributed by Jennifer Doubleday, Head of Personal Development)

This week’s session will consider the Double Bind theory invoked by R. D. Laing. Everyone is invited, including those who want to come but who are worried that if they do come they might find that they’re not wanted.

lolsoc@dircon.co.uk